Re: 22

Dear 20,

Funny how I totally forgotten about that letter you wrote, until I was digging up old blog entries. Ah. Didn't know you were so emo then. Then again, in the emo department, nothing much has changed ;)

So. I figured since I have time, I might as well reply you.

Yup. You've officially finished your masters, and you're officially unemployed now. The ecstacy of being a graduate only lasted probably a week. After which, it's not really very fun trying to think of what you can or cannot do.

And yeah. It's 25 days before I go now. How does it feel? Numb, I reckon. I'd really rather be emotionless, than to be sad or happy. I think crying's too energy and time consuming. We shall try to avoid the whole ordeal of tears, yes?

When you were you, you've just left and you were still trying to fit into everything there. Thanks for being determined not to look back, and for trying to fully be here in Adelaide and to enjoy the moments. It's been a year and a half since I've gone home now.. And home feels.. further than what it used to be.

How were the last 2 years? It was way more than awesome. Way more. Since you wrote that letter to me, you've been a part of an exciting committee in OCF.. of which you learnt heaps. Not just from the things you were required to do, but from people who were running the race fervently as well.

And after that, another significant moment was when you jumped on board a missions trip that took you and 3.5 really awesome and fun people over 3 countries in 3 weeks! That was an unbelievable trip away. The way we dragged ourselves out of bed every morning after horribly late nights, the way we did last minute preparations for the kids, the naughty naughty kids we handled (and tried to strangle).. remain a very special memory up till today.

But what's more exciting to you now is what a professor - Dr. Angelita Martini would teach you in your final semester at uni.. The best time before you prepare your mind to go back. And this was what she said - change within a country or within a system cannot happen apolitically.

And that will be one thought that will get you stuck in confusion.

What are my plans now? I don't have any.

Despite the excitement over brain injury, it's gona be hard to get a job because of silly systems that do not recognize people who are any 'lower' than medical doctors. You have to do a PhD, eventually. Or so it is what they require.

What else am I going to do? No, I do not have the slightest clue.

You need connections for a job, they say. But.. where do I start finding connections from? In which field?

What do you really WANT to do?

Some days I think I just completed the wrong course. And some others.. I know that all that couldn't have been a mistake.

Perhaps I'll just have to wait and see how the plan would unfold.

Guy sector. It's still a no-go. But, at this point in time, that's the least of all the concerns I have.

At this point, you hate Adelaide no more. You love it to bits. You love the people it came with more than ever. And these are friends who have been there in the lowest of times, and people who have accepted you - but yet challenged you to grow.

It's time now. Time to get up and get going. About time to return. But it gets more and more disappointing each day.. as you no longer read only about how money is being irresponsibly spent by the authorities. Things have evolved to involve people dying as a result of the political game.

...

It's awfully hard now. But one thing I can answer you.. Yes, the journey was worth it. The learning was worth it. The crying was worth it. The laughing was worth it.

The weather forecast of the next season looks like it's still going to be hard, but you know deep down inside there's a little shoot of excitement waiting to sprout. Nurture it, let it sprout. Hopefully it'll bear fruit soon. You've taught me that God is faithful, and He will continue to be.

And knowing that God and His plans are worth following, it won't be long till the sun comes up again. And, it'll be yet another journey that's worthwhile :)

Love,
22.

22

Hi Esther,

Well, waddya know? It's me again. Remember me? I'm you, two years ago.

Ah. Remember now? Cool.

So. How's it like to have finished Masters? You met the guy of your dreams yet? What are your plans now? Are you going to head back to Malaysia soon? How does it feel? Was it great? Ah. I wish you could tell me all about it.

What? How am I feeling now? Ah. I don't know.

It's probably frustration. Hey, guess what? It's exactly a year since we left for Adelaide, well, 3 years for you. But exactly one for me. Last year, or 3 years ago at this time, we were having Magill BBQ Chickens with chips, leftover from lunch. Remember? :) How fast it all seems, huh?

Oh. You remember AaronKhoo? Yeah. He's back in Malaysia for good now. My only comrade from the gang back in HELP. It sucks having to come home now. It's the middle of winter now, and home has taken a whole new definition. Home, is but 4 walls. Literally. I miss human company. No, no. Not just smiley-dileys and having to communicate via Japanese-English electronic dictionary devices. And having to stand up to bossy Salmons, and appear not to be intimidated. Real human communication. Where I can rant about the injustice of the world, and somebody could understand. Leonore's real cold now, you know? How did you pull through?

And oh. Is Masters fun? Are you regretting? Sigh. I hope you're not. I won't know how to pull through if you are. Oh, oh! Remember the cool way of how we got the funding to do Masters? Yeah. I still can't believe it. So much for being so determined to stay in Adelaide for one and a half year max, huh? 3 years! Double what we were thinking about.

Well, remember how Pa got a call from his ex-boss? Yah. When his boss just decided to give him the Toyota Harrier. At no cost at all? Yeah, cool huh? And that Harrier costs at market value exactly how much we will spend in 2 years! Yah. I was shocked to hear that too. And it was right after the day we got the offer letter from Flinders stating how much the fees would cost! Phew!

So, who do you think you are, at 22? Remember how we were asking who we are - at 19? It's been a year now. Haha. I just turned 20 :) Yeah. That was one of the super emo moments, huh. Gosh, how we actually cried so much that night! And the night before! Haha. Well, it was our first year celebrating a birthday overseas. But remember the crazy people who came over at 1 am in the morning so we wouldn't be expecting anything? Well, that was definitely something to remember :) And the day we spent at the beach! With Him, and her thereafter. Way cool, huh?

And oh. About how's Mama and KongKong doing now? Are they still healthy? What about AhMa and KongKong? They cool? Please tell me they are alright. The biggest fear right now is if I will not be able to see or talk to them for the last time before they leave. I pray they are still alright when you're reading this.

Oh yeah. How's Eunice doing now? I miss her terribly now. I just heard she has been driving around in the MyVi. All the way to OneUtama! It has only been a year, and I've missed out on one of her most important moments of growing up. I'm beginning to wonder if coming to Adelaide was worthwhile. What's she studying now? She going strong in her dreams of doing Medicine? Please tell her I desperately want to be with her right now, to just be sisters.

How you feeling about Adelaide right now? Me? At this moment in time, I hate it. I hate how it is robbing me of so many things. And how the things that it is offering me comes with a risk. A risk that I am so afraid of taking. But if I don't take, I'll never experience life to its fullest right here, right now.

How are the YPF-ers doing? I just saw blog posts and photos of church camp that just passed. It hurt so much. I wished I could be there. To be part of what I used to call my family. To be part of sabo-s, and hot Maggi cup noodles, and late night chats. Are you still in touch with them? I suck so badly at long distance communication that I feel so out of place. It sucks to feel like you no longer belong there. Because paths separated inevitably.

I want to be back in familiarity. I want to know what's going on. If only you could tell me all that will take place in the next 2 years, then probably I wouldn't feel so horrible right now. I want to go home. So badly. I am tired from trying to keep up with two places at once.

I want to be back in Malaysia with Pa, Mummy, Eunice, boy, and boo. With friends whom I've grown up with. I want to know what's happening with them back there. But I want to find a grip here as well. I want to enjoy this journey as well.

But I feel I'm neither here nor there. It's so exasperating. I thought I'd quickly finish my year and a half in Adelaide, and return to Malaysia to rejoin those who are back home.

Things have taken a turn. For worse or for better? I guess that depends on what I want to make out of it.

2 years. Please tell me what the next two years hold for me. Because I'm tired. I'm worn out. It's scary. I'm so, so afraid. What if it's the wrong course? What if I can't fit back into the Malaysian community when I'm home? What if I don't fit here in Adelaide? What if I fit right in here in Adelaide?

What if.

Tell me.

I hope this letter finds you well. And happy. And that the journey was great. The risks taken were worth it. I hope it finds you loving with all your heart. Living with all your heart.

Love,
20.

I Need..

Mengejar HadirMu.

Tis an awesome song..

..twas an awesome camp.. and awesome Sarawakian MTV friends! :)

Beyond Colours.

Beneath the skin runs something that is indistinguishable by colour. We've all got blood running in us, and we're all people.

Of Coffee, Peanuts, and my God.

Sat in bed under the covers today. Not wanting to get out.

It's like living in a fridge perpetually right now. Too cold to do anythinggggggggg.

Sat in bed with a steaming cup of coffee, and some nuts. And read.

Have plodded through Judges, Ruth, Samuels and 1 Kings thus far. Reading about the leaders of Israel/Judah and seeing what they were like. This time, with a hidden agenda to find out what good leadership is really all about.

The more I plod through the books, the more depressed and afraid I get. So much of what I read reflects and resonates deep within me.

The bad parts, I mean.

...

I stand with Saul when he was impatient about going into battle, and taking sacrifices into his own hands.. rather than waiting for God's timing.

I stand with Saul when he made rash oaths causing his people to hunger.

I stand with Saul when he was insecure about somebody else being better than him.

I stand with Saul when he did what he thought was pleasing, not what he was told to do.

And whoa. As if it gets better.

...

David? I stand with his pride. And how he numbered his army to feel good about himself.

I stand with his insecurities of needing to hide the wrongs he has consciously done.

...

Asa did well..

.. but not good enough.

I stand with Asa's lack of trust in the God that would bring him the victory he needed. I stand with him being allies with people, rather than his God.

...

I stand.. I stand.. I stand..

...

And I sat under my covers, unwilling to get out of bed.

Too much Wrongs to commit, and not much courage to do the Rights.

And the gravest of all sins (if sin could be grave-tized), is how they all had other gods in their lives - doing much evil in the eyes of the Lord.

How can anyone live on this earth?!

...

I'm glad my salvation doesn't depend on my love for Him.

And I'm glad He loves me.. that much.

...

And I walked out from beneath my covers. Time to start the day!

Of Scare-y Details.

I've had the priviledge of having my own office in uni, because of a passing conversation with the course coordinator talking about how far I live from uni (well, it's about 40 bus stops away - an hour and a half by bus that is non-express). And they decided to give me an office complete with a computer, unlimited internet access, and a printer so I can do my work whilst I am in uni! :)

Today I went earlier to return the keys to the office.. because.. I'm finishing uni in 5 days!!! :D

Cleared my Oscar mug, packet of coffee, ginger biscuits, KohKae peanuts, scrap paper.. and contemplated stuffing a whole stack of unused A4 paper in my bag. But then I thought, 'Nahhhh.. I shouldn't be such a cheapskate..'.

So off I went to see Ottaline and passed her my keys and said a very cheery "Goodbye!".

She asked if I finished, and she was surprised that I have. I smiled widely and said "Yes! I'm done next Monday!". And walked (skipped) out of Sturt campus.

10 minutes later, Ottaline called me on my mobile. Urgent matters.

"Hi Esther, I realized that.. you actually haven't.. finished. There's something wrong with your enrolment. Come see me as soon as you can."

...

Jaw dropped.

Heart stopped.

Eyes flopped.

...

Apparently, I'm 3 credits short of graduating.

Aaaahhh. I knew it would happen! After I was so cautious about picking my subjects at the beginning of my term - not wanting to do anything I wasn't interested in.

3 credits short! Means I might have to stay for another semester to make up for the 3 credits!

Raced off to see Ottaline once I was done with lectures, and she sat me down calmly.

I was going to pounce on her in anticipation of a solution to get me out of the situation.

She proceeded to ask if I've got any work experience in the area.

Skipped through the many thoughts in the brain and finally remembered I did work with two boys who had autism for a year and a half.

"Done!" Ottaline said. "We'll give you credits for that. Because your student visa will expire, wouldn't it? It doesn't have to go through any other authorities, just drop us an email about what you've done, and we'll approve it as 3 credit hours."

...

Aaahhh. What a scare! To think that I will have to slog through another semester of hardwork when I'm THIS close to the finish line!

As I was driving home.. it linked!

I remember praying for a job in the area of disabilities, so I can gain much needed work experience in the area whilst studying the theories. And I remember God providing two very lovely families which I worked with for a year and a half.

And the very opportunity to work in BIRCH for 2 months would add weight to my very much needed 3 credit hours.

None of which I had to pay for.

Without which, I'd have to stay back for another term.

And I'm humbled at how He can weave such details together. Details of what I like doing, what I want to do, what I needed to have, and what would happen 2 years down the road..

It's scare-y how details is such a God-thing.

Especially when I've been such a frantic about finishing uni and not knowing what kinda job I'll land myself into. That He'd have to catch my attention in this way.

What a not-so-gentle reminder that if He provided that very specific job I needed to get past this 3-unit ordeal, He'll be able to do so for the next step of my journey.

Thanks, You. I'm awed. Again.