22

Hi Esther,

Well, waddya know? It's me again. Remember me? I'm you, two years ago.

Ah. Remember now? Cool.

So. How's it like to have finished Masters? You met the guy of your dreams yet? What are your plans now? Are you going to head back to Malaysia soon? How does it feel? Was it great? Ah. I wish you could tell me all about it.

What? How am I feeling now? Ah. I don't know.

It's probably frustration. Hey, guess what? It's exactly a year since we left for Adelaide, well, 3 years for you. But exactly one for me. Last year, or 3 years ago at this time, we were having Magill BBQ Chickens with chips, leftover from lunch. Remember? :) How fast it all seems, huh?

Oh. You remember AaronKhoo? Yeah. He's back in Malaysia for good now. My only comrade from the gang back in HELP. It sucks having to come home now. It's the middle of winter now, and home has taken a whole new definition. Home, is but 4 walls. Literally. I miss human company. No, no. Not just smiley-dileys and having to communicate via Japanese-English electronic dictionary devices. And having to stand up to bossy Salmons, and appear not to be intimidated. Real human communication. Where I can rant about the injustice of the world, and somebody could understand. Leonore's real cold now, you know? How did you pull through?

And oh. Is Masters fun? Are you regretting? Sigh. I hope you're not. I won't know how to pull through if you are. Oh, oh! Remember the cool way of how we got the funding to do Masters? Yeah. I still can't believe it. So much for being so determined to stay in Adelaide for one and a half year max, huh? 3 years! Double what we were thinking about.

Well, remember how Pa got a call from his ex-boss? Yah. When his boss just decided to give him the Toyota Harrier. At no cost at all? Yeah, cool huh? And that Harrier costs at market value exactly how much we will spend in 2 years! Yah. I was shocked to hear that too. And it was right after the day we got the offer letter from Flinders stating how much the fees would cost! Phew!

So, who do you think you are, at 22? Remember how we were asking who we are - at 19? It's been a year now. Haha. I just turned 20 :) Yeah. That was one of the super emo moments, huh. Gosh, how we actually cried so much that night! And the night before! Haha. Well, it was our first year celebrating a birthday overseas. But remember the crazy people who came over at 1 am in the morning so we wouldn't be expecting anything? Well, that was definitely something to remember :) And the day we spent at the beach! With Him, and her thereafter. Way cool, huh?

And oh. About how's Mama and KongKong doing now? Are they still healthy? What about AhMa and KongKong? They cool? Please tell me they are alright. The biggest fear right now is if I will not be able to see or talk to them for the last time before they leave. I pray they are still alright when you're reading this.

Oh yeah. How's Eunice doing now? I miss her terribly now. I just heard she has been driving around in the MyVi. All the way to OneUtama! It has only been a year, and I've missed out on one of her most important moments of growing up. I'm beginning to wonder if coming to Adelaide was worthwhile. What's she studying now? She going strong in her dreams of doing Medicine? Please tell her I desperately want to be with her right now, to just be sisters.

How you feeling about Adelaide right now? Me? At this moment in time, I hate it. I hate how it is robbing me of so many things. And how the things that it is offering me comes with a risk. A risk that I am so afraid of taking. But if I don't take, I'll never experience life to its fullest right here, right now.

How are the YPF-ers doing? I just saw blog posts and photos of church camp that just passed. It hurt so much. I wished I could be there. To be part of what I used to call my family. To be part of sabo-s, and hot Maggi cup noodles, and late night chats. Are you still in touch with them? I suck so badly at long distance communication that I feel so out of place. It sucks to feel like you no longer belong there. Because paths separated inevitably.

I want to be back in familiarity. I want to know what's going on. If only you could tell me all that will take place in the next 2 years, then probably I wouldn't feel so horrible right now. I want to go home. So badly. I am tired from trying to keep up with two places at once.

I want to be back in Malaysia with Pa, Mummy, Eunice, boy, and boo. With friends whom I've grown up with. I want to know what's happening with them back there. But I want to find a grip here as well. I want to enjoy this journey as well.

But I feel I'm neither here nor there. It's so exasperating. I thought I'd quickly finish my year and a half in Adelaide, and return to Malaysia to rejoin those who are back home.

Things have taken a turn. For worse or for better? I guess that depends on what I want to make out of it.

2 years. Please tell me what the next two years hold for me. Because I'm tired. I'm worn out. It's scary. I'm so, so afraid. What if it's the wrong course? What if I can't fit back into the Malaysian community when I'm home? What if I don't fit here in Adelaide? What if I fit right in here in Adelaide?

What if.

Tell me.

I hope this letter finds you well. And happy. And that the journey was great. The risks taken were worth it. I hope it finds you loving with all your heart. Living with all your heart.

Love,
20.