I Need..

Mengejar HadirMu.

Tis an awesome song..

..twas an awesome camp.. and awesome Sarawakian MTV friends! :)

Beyond Colours.

Beneath the skin runs something that is indistinguishable by colour. We've all got blood running in us, and we're all people.

Of Coffee, Peanuts, and my God.

Sat in bed under the covers today. Not wanting to get out.

It's like living in a fridge perpetually right now. Too cold to do anythinggggggggg.

Sat in bed with a steaming cup of coffee, and some nuts. And read.

Have plodded through Judges, Ruth, Samuels and 1 Kings thus far. Reading about the leaders of Israel/Judah and seeing what they were like. This time, with a hidden agenda to find out what good leadership is really all about.

The more I plod through the books, the more depressed and afraid I get. So much of what I read reflects and resonates deep within me.

The bad parts, I mean.

...

I stand with Saul when he was impatient about going into battle, and taking sacrifices into his own hands.. rather than waiting for God's timing.

I stand with Saul when he made rash oaths causing his people to hunger.

I stand with Saul when he was insecure about somebody else being better than him.

I stand with Saul when he did what he thought was pleasing, not what he was told to do.

And whoa. As if it gets better.

...

David? I stand with his pride. And how he numbered his army to feel good about himself.

I stand with his insecurities of needing to hide the wrongs he has consciously done.

...

Asa did well..

.. but not good enough.

I stand with Asa's lack of trust in the God that would bring him the victory he needed. I stand with him being allies with people, rather than his God.

...

I stand.. I stand.. I stand..

...

And I sat under my covers, unwilling to get out of bed.

Too much Wrongs to commit, and not much courage to do the Rights.

And the gravest of all sins (if sin could be grave-tized), is how they all had other gods in their lives - doing much evil in the eyes of the Lord.

How can anyone live on this earth?!

...

I'm glad my salvation doesn't depend on my love for Him.

And I'm glad He loves me.. that much.

...

And I walked out from beneath my covers. Time to start the day!

Of Scare-y Details.

I've had the priviledge of having my own office in uni, because of a passing conversation with the course coordinator talking about how far I live from uni (well, it's about 40 bus stops away - an hour and a half by bus that is non-express). And they decided to give me an office complete with a computer, unlimited internet access, and a printer so I can do my work whilst I am in uni! :)

Today I went earlier to return the keys to the office.. because.. I'm finishing uni in 5 days!!! :D

Cleared my Oscar mug, packet of coffee, ginger biscuits, KohKae peanuts, scrap paper.. and contemplated stuffing a whole stack of unused A4 paper in my bag. But then I thought, 'Nahhhh.. I shouldn't be such a cheapskate..'.

So off I went to see Ottaline and passed her my keys and said a very cheery "Goodbye!".

She asked if I finished, and she was surprised that I have. I smiled widely and said "Yes! I'm done next Monday!". And walked (skipped) out of Sturt campus.

10 minutes later, Ottaline called me on my mobile. Urgent matters.

"Hi Esther, I realized that.. you actually haven't.. finished. There's something wrong with your enrolment. Come see me as soon as you can."

...

Jaw dropped.

Heart stopped.

Eyes flopped.

...

Apparently, I'm 3 credits short of graduating.

Aaaahhh. I knew it would happen! After I was so cautious about picking my subjects at the beginning of my term - not wanting to do anything I wasn't interested in.

3 credits short! Means I might have to stay for another semester to make up for the 3 credits!

Raced off to see Ottaline once I was done with lectures, and she sat me down calmly.

I was going to pounce on her in anticipation of a solution to get me out of the situation.

She proceeded to ask if I've got any work experience in the area.

Skipped through the many thoughts in the brain and finally remembered I did work with two boys who had autism for a year and a half.

"Done!" Ottaline said. "We'll give you credits for that. Because your student visa will expire, wouldn't it? It doesn't have to go through any other authorities, just drop us an email about what you've done, and we'll approve it as 3 credit hours."

...

Aaahhh. What a scare! To think that I will have to slog through another semester of hardwork when I'm THIS close to the finish line!

As I was driving home.. it linked!

I remember praying for a job in the area of disabilities, so I can gain much needed work experience in the area whilst studying the theories. And I remember God providing two very lovely families which I worked with for a year and a half.

And the very opportunity to work in BIRCH for 2 months would add weight to my very much needed 3 credit hours.

None of which I had to pay for.

Without which, I'd have to stay back for another term.

And I'm humbled at how He can weave such details together. Details of what I like doing, what I want to do, what I needed to have, and what would happen 2 years down the road..

It's scare-y how details is such a God-thing.

Especially when I've been such a frantic about finishing uni and not knowing what kinda job I'll land myself into. That He'd have to catch my attention in this way.

What a not-so-gentle reminder that if He provided that very specific job I needed to get past this 3-unit ordeal, He'll be able to do so for the next step of my journey.

Thanks, You. I'm awed. Again.

Walk Me Through..

As the day draws nearer, I get more and more sensitive about things.

Sometimes even the thought of it pricks deep. And I have to consciously put it away in the "Think about it later, live in the moment" box.

It's been playing on my mind a lot, because it is a big thing.

And there is a stark difference between having people cheer you on..

.. and having people walk you through this journey.

I hate the thought of how life paths that once converged, will now separate.

I yearn for certainty. I yearn for continuity.

...

Perhaps passion is a lonely thing.

...

I know I've got the Hebrews 12 cloud cheering me on. People who've been there and finished the race..

.. and I'm so blessed to have people around me cheering me on.

...

But yet I know I have to face this on my own..

.. and perhaps this is a much needed phase of life.

Walk with me..Walk me through. You're the only One who will.

They..

... ARE COMING! :)

And WE, are Goh-ing on holidayyyy! :)

The Moment of Geekness.

Woot. Never thought I'd actually post up quotations. This gave me such a boost in energy when doing my readings for the next paper. Felt like throwing my hands in the air and roaring with enthusiasm.

Roooaaarrrrrrrrr!

"... a corporatist society has structured itself to eliminate citizen participation in public affairs. People are encouraged to mind their own business and not be critical, which is dangerous because 'Criticism is perhaps the citizen's primary weapon in the exercise of her legitimacy. That is why, in this corporatist society, conformism, loyalty, and silence are so admired and rewarded; why criticism is so punished or marginalised'. Public health activity at all levels often involves cirticising the status quo and arguing for change, which threatens established interests ... Saul concludes, 'A citizen-based democracy os built upon participation, which is the very expression of permanent discomfort' (Saul, 1997, p. 195; in Baum, 1998).

I'm morphing into a geek. But I'm loving the process. Love public health. Love it! :)

Aiyoyo.

Assignments so hard, can die.

Weather so cold, can die.

Stomach so hungry, can die.

2 months and 19 days left! Die lahhh.

Aiyoyooooo.