The Whys of Returning.

Read this again.. And I was reminded about my oblivion of all that is happening in the country I have called home all these years..

Malaysia is home. It is ideal. Because I have yet to see her ugly side. I have yet to experience the depths of disgust at corruption issues, racism, unfair elections, and the like.

That post was written on November 12, 2007. It's the 30th of April today. A year and a half after what I wrote then.

And today, I experience and have been experiencing deeply that depth of disgust at corruption issues, racism, unfair elections.. and the like. And this is what I read about in non-for-government newspapers and sociopolitic blogs. I'm not even there yet.

...

I have been asking the million dollar question, undoubtedly..

Where do YOU want me to go, God?

And the silence was deafening.

It's so much easier if HE tells me where HE wants me to go, so then I don't have to decide on my own, and if at all anything goes wrong.. He's to be responsible.

Okay.. I have to be responsible for my own choices, but you get my drift?

But no. No audible voice. No writings in the sky. No slight nudge even.

The only thing I learn and have been learning about is His heart and His purpose for creation.

Redemption.

It's such a Christian-y word that when people read it, they cringe at what's gona come next. Surely it's another preachy post again.

Perhaps it is.

But I have learnt that redemption has more to offer than that. My God isn't interested only in people becoming Christians just for the sake of it.

He's interested in seeing the hungry fed, the naked clothed, the homeless provided with shelter, the chains of injustice broken, and the oppressed set free (Isaiah 58).

THAT is Redemption. It's not just about becoming Christians and becoming"holy".

Trusting that God made this world, and aches for it to return to the way it is meant to be puts things into perspective.

Yes, this world is bad. Which country isn't bad?

But there is an ultimate hope - that He is doing something about the state of bad-ness this world is in.

And I want to be a part of that.

Malaysia has a looooong way to go in seeing the hungry fed, the naked clothed, the homeless provided with shelter, the chains of injustice broken, and the oppressed set free.

I have learnt that it is really not about being self-centered and finding out what He wants for Me. Surely, there is a place for that.

But it really is about finding out what He wants done, and what His purpose is for His people. And from there, I find mine.

And thus, I have decided to come home.

And the definition of home is another matter altogether. After all, I am but a pilgrim on this earth, no?

...

Having said all of that, I AM worried. I AM scared stiff. I FEAR regret. I cry at the thought of going home. I wonder what life would be like if I were to continue on in Australia.

But I AM excited. I KNOW He hasn't given up on my country. And there are plenty of people running for change. I am but one of many.

Hopefully when I'm 89, I'd live to say that this decision is worth it.

Till the 22nd of August..

P.S. It's the 30th of April today, and it's a huge Happy Birthday to Basil Jez! You've been a totally awesome friend, and I'm glad my journey here in Adelaide has intertwined with your journey. Looking forward to more years ahead, back home probably? ;)

And to my anointed friend back home, happy birthday to you too! :)

Ogos 22, 2009

Yesterday was attempt no. 1 at booking my one-way flight ticket back to Bolehland.

Upon reaching the payment page on the website, I was too emotional to continue the process. I was sobbing like a beruk, apparently. So, the red X was the best option at that time.

Tonight is attempt no. 2 at booking the same flight ticket back home. Because MAS is going low on their fares now. Which ends at 12am. Have to maintain cheapskate identity! Heh.

And.. I'm going (coming) home.

I am.

On the 22nd of August, 2009.

...

...

...

I don't even know what next to say now. It feels..

.. I can't describe it. Crying like a beruk may give you a hint as to how I feel about going home.

We'll see come the 22nd of August.

We'll see.

[e z Z t h e R r]..

..is dying. Of boredom.

Sanguines are not made to stay at home..

..ALONE.

*weeps uncontrollably*

And we are not made to do assignmentS..

*stabs self repeatedly*

I Don't Know.

I remember being in the car, driving home from Mama's house one night.. and I cleverly asked my two kid siblings (at that time)..

Me: You know how to spell 'intelligence' or not? Huh?

Kid siblings: Er.. er.. *gibberish attempts to spell the very-hard-word*

Me: Haha. Like that also dunno.. I-N-T-E-L-L-I-G-E-N-C-E lah.

Woot. And that was attempt no. 1094833284861 to show off that I was smarter than them.

--

And then came the teenage years where.. well, teenagers.. just know.. everything..

You just don't understand how I feel! *wails in tears and stomps off to my room*

Heh. As if they really didn't.

Now, those were the days when parents were the uncoolest things on earth. Because they either:

1. Didn't wear the right clothes.
2. Didn't drive the right coloured cars - my dad drove a bright red Volvo, and my mum, a pale blue Proton.. Don't know where to hide face..
3. Didn't say the right things - like.. "Eh boy, what is your number? I ask my daughter she dowan to give me.."
4. They still wanted to hold your hand in supermarkets!!
   
5. Well.. 'nuff said ;)

--

And now.

In university you spend 3 years on a particular topic. Some that make you laugh whenyou first hear about it. Like for example.. Geology.

...

Kid: Mummy, when I grow up.. I wana become a geologist.

Mum: Oh, alright. What does a geologist do, son?

Kid: They study rocks! :)

Mum: *death stare* NNOOOO-OO-Ooo-oo *(echoes follow suit)*

...

Heh. And by the way, did you know some universities offer courses on Facebook? Woot. How many of us will ace that, I wonder.

The past couple of years have been a journey of learning how to say "I don't know". And sometimes, that just does not click with the ego factor.

Sometimes I find myself frantically trying to find an answer, the right words..

..especially in matters concerning my faith.

And I have learnt that, the moment I say "I know" to everything, is the moment I really don't know..

And the more I know, the more I realize how much I don't know.

Sometimes, "I don't know" will suffice.

And "I don't know" at other times.. can be a turn on ;)

Human Capital Development Plan of Malaysia - A Rakyat's Point of View

Hi there,

I'm a student, currently studying overseas and one of my topics this semester required me to look up Malaysia's development policies. Have never been one who thought much about politics and policies until now.

Looking up the Ninth Malaysia Plan drawn up to move Malaysia toward Wawasan 2020, one of it's main efforts is for Human Capital Development. Upon more curiosity, I decided to read up on this Human Capital Development plan (found on the PM's official website). Amongst the many focuses of this plan is its focus on politics. And it has a sole focus - that is for the creation of Malay leaders who are skilled, respected, admired, and trusted.

I am writing to you to voice my opinion over what's written in our official development policy. How many of us rakyats really take the time to read what our current leaders have planned for the country? How many of us have heard our leaders talking about racial integration and racial equity without reading what's written black and white on government policies for development?

I am not championing a cause of any particular race - because I believe that this upcoming generation should be taught to see beyond skin colour. If we truly want to see our country develop, why not put aside our selfish wants for ourselves and our particular race?

The generations before us have told us that we are the leaders of tomorrow. But what's being invested in us to be Malaysia's future leaders? Why the racial discrimination? Aren't we all Anak Bangsa Malaysia?

Having read the above plans and policies of our government, I know not who to turn. And where to go to voice out for my generation of young people.

If this is not the right place to voice an opinion, I'll keep trying for other avenues.

--
A Malaysian Rakyat.

Again.

And I blog again.

It's a habit that was hard to kill, I reckon. Let's see, I started writing 5 years ago! In 2004.. When I was only 17. And what a difference 5 years make.

This was the first ever post as a blogger:

first time

this is the maddest week of my semester. at times, really really would like to give everything up. the reality and madness of life. so much feelings are accumulated and shoved aside cuz of time constraint which does not allow me to face them. it's all bubbling up one by one and now, they're all acting against me...tryin to force their way out for me to face them. time time time! i do not have time.

every single day, there'd be a breaking point. and i'd just feel like crying. too many things are happening at once! confusion. not knowing whether to be happy or sad.

tough tough. overcoming all obstacles by my own will drive me up the wall. but above all, i know that there's Someone superior behind all that is happening and all that i'm going thru the heartaches, heartbreaks, broken friendships, stress, assignments...all these would definitely turn out for the better. but WHEN?

me =(

And those were the days when blogging acted as a catharsis tool of all that was pent up.

It still is, in ways.

And *gasps*.. So childish! Haha.

"i know that there's Someone superior behind all that is happening and all that i'm going thru the heartaches, heartbreaks, broken friendships, stress, assignments..."

Hmmm.

And after 5 years of having a blog (plus that one year of being missing in action), I still cannot figure out the reason for blogging. Other than, it's an itch - when thoughts come and fingers are restless.

But yeah. Here's coming back into the world of bloggers again. And this time, with Blogspot! Way better than Xanga, I reckon. Much much easier to tweak around with HTMLs now than before :)

Till later, when the brain can generate more thoughts.