Friday, October 1, 2010

Being Yourself

I think the scariest thing about being (or trying to be) yourself (without the facades) is the risk.

Supposing that facades act like a shield. Should you not be accepted as this one personality, you simply swap it with another.

The risk of being real. The risk of not being accepted for the you you truly are. That state of vulnerability.

But then again, not everybody accepts you anyway.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

That Inner Conflict

It's in times like these when blogging is absolutely necessary.

Regardless of whether or not I will die at work tomorrow because I didn't sleep at 10pm.

...

That conflict.

Idealism vs. Realism.

Yeah, that conflict.

...

I found 3 words through Psychology that describes best a huge part of who I am.

Just-world belief.

How ironic that phrase, especially when we live in a world where nothing is fair, let alone just.

...

As a kid, I hated it every time we had to split a packet of biscuits/chocolates between us 3 siblings. Because things usually come in even numbers. And splitting it between 3 kids would mean either one of us would get one extra.

OR, we'll just have to go through the hassle of dividing the last piece equally into 3 EQUAL (this is a necessity!) parts.

OR, we can just throw away the last biscuit/chocolate so that nobody gets any of it.

Since then, I vowed to have 4 kids (because 2's too quiet for my liking).

I don't like people giving me things I (think) I don't deserve. And I don't like giving people things I (think) they don't deserve.

...

20 years or so down the road, I'm still that kid that I was long ago.

I (still) can't stand it when things are not fair, although I've learnt to loosen up more these days (a necessity, or I'd have a death certificate by now.. what an award!).

Just that, at 23.. biscuits and chocolates have turned into larger real-life events. Like the poor and the rich. In every sense of the word.

...

I own a Bubble. A Bubble I keep myself in. That Bubble that tells me that I have what it takes to try and make things more equitable, if not fair (just).

But my Bubble isn't exactly the safest place I can live in.

When I have time to browse through other bubbles - such as Facebook and Blogger, I realise that many people outside my Bubble are moving on with what is called Life.. and moving on fast, they are.

People outside my Bubble have little time and tolerance to what goes on within my Bubble.

And every time Bubble breaks, I am afraid to rebuild it. And I live life just the way it is lived outside Bubble.

...

I am going nuts, living in and out of my Bubble.

...

What is that place called - that place where my Bubble and the world can co-exist?

Either that, or I will just have to exterminate this Bubble and do away with this disease of a Just-world belief.

...

Ugh.

Monday, May 24, 2010

My Turn.

It was my turn @ Homecoming.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Colours :)


If I can have this for breakfast every morning, I will never complain about waking up early.

Promise.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

20 Something.

Being 20 something is rather.. confusing.

Sigh.

I wish I was 30.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Vait, vait, vait.

Vait.

And vait..

..and vait.

Vhy?

Hhhrrruuuummmmpppphhh.


Friday, May 7, 2010

Homecoming.

If you would take time to check this out:

Homecoming.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Signs and Wonders

Welcome.. to Malaysia. Where we have road signs like this:


I see signs, and.. I wonder..

.. that's signs and wonders for you in Malaysia!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

6

We have a 6-year old at home.

Not bad at art.

Puffer fish.

And, can be quite funny. At times.

...

Things you hear around the house:

1.
"Get up.. and shake it.. c'monnnn! Get up.. and shake it.. c'monnnn!! ..."

(Repeat 3893128419679 times per hour).

2.
All the single ladies.. all the single ladies..
*humming of some random tune*

All the single ladies.. all the single ladies..
*humming of some random tune*

All the single ladies.. all the single ladies..
*humming of some random tune*

(Repeat the above till you feel hands of older siblings tightening around neck)

...

And after a car accident.

3.
6 year old: Che!! How come you can hit into the uncle's car wann??

23 year old: Don't talk to me now.

*silence*

6 year old: But cheee! How come you didn't stop wan??

23 year old: I said, don't disturb me now!

*silence*

6 year old: Che, I think you are very careless you know..

23 year old: ...

I think next time, I shall run over a 6 year old instead of a chicken rice uncle's shop.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Big Fish, Small Fish

So I went to the market the other day, and I saw a very very small fish. And as I walked further on, I saw a very very BBBBIIIIIIGGGGGG fish.

Heh. Nonsensical inside joke by people who matter <3

...

Big fish, Small fish.

Big
Apple donuts, Small Apple donuts.

Big dream, Small dream?

...

What's a big dream? Or, what makes a dream smaller than big?

If all I dream about is my wedding day and the kids that come after.. is that a dream smaller than if I wanted to save the world?

How big should a dream be? What's a big dream anyway?

How does one avoid making a dream so small that they regret it on their 70th birthday?

Why dream?

...

Hmmm.

"Think, think, think." - Winnie the Pooh.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

So I came to hate life..

.. because everything done here under the sun is so troubling.

The fastest runner doesn’t always win the race.
The strongest warrior doesn’t always win the battle.
The wise sometimes go hungry.
The skillful are not necessarily wealthy.
And those who are educated don’t always lead successful lives.
It is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time.

I saw the tears of the oppressed, with no one to comfort them.
The oppressors have great power, and their victims are helpless.
I am not surprised when I see a poor person being oppressed by the powerful,
And if justice is being miscarried throughout the land.
For every official is under orders from higher up,
And matters of justice get lost in red tape and bureaucracy.

People and animals share the same fate—both breathe and both must die.
Anything I wanted, I would take.
I denied myself no pleasure.
Everything has already been decided.
It was known long ago what each person would be.
So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.

I came to hate all my hard work here on earth,
For I must leave to others everything I have earned.
And who can tell whether my successors will be wise or foolish?
Most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors.
Money is put into risky investments that turn sour, and everything is lost.
Meaningless - everything is meaningless! Completely meaningless!
Like chasing the wind.

Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant.
If they watch every cloud, they never harvest.
To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God.
Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don’t have.
God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.
Don’t long for “the good old days.” This is not wise.

Enjoy prosperity while you can,
But when hard times strike, realize that both come from God.
Remember that nothing is certain in this life.
Talk is cheap, like daydreams and other useless activities.
Fear God instead.
Here now is my final conclusion:
Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty.

Solomon, 1011BC.
In Ecclesiastes (New Living Translation).

PS. Rearranged the orders a little. Merely a pick-out-straight-from-text the particular verses that jumped out at me, with no intentions to tweak dear ol' Sol's well meanings. Juuuuuust in case it invokes a theological debate over the rightness of the order :)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Rightful Money

Watched a documentary concerning the environment.. or shall I say, our environment. Which really is a must-watch - Home Project. Haven't seen a doco like that in a while, and it sparked little thought bubbles while I was watching it.

...

Being at Ikea the other day, I spent a considerable amount of time watching people as they walked pass me. Okay, not thaat kinda watch. While waiting for a friend, what better way to kill time than to wonder about the people around you?

And I watched as a lady un-thinkingly took two bags of chips into her arms, and proceeded to take some other items from the food section. Overwhelmed with curiosity, I walked over to see how much a bag of chips would cost. I don't remember now, but somewhere around RM 7.90?

My mind did a quick calculation as to how much money one would have to earn each month to buy two bags of potato chips that costs RM 7.90 each without having the words "BUDGET!!!" flashing before you. Assuming of course, that if you have enough money to not think twice about expensive potato chips, you'd have enough money for many, many other things.

I twitched, wondering if I'd ever earn enough money to be unconcerned about how to make the most of my RM 7.90.

...

Been thinking quite a bit about the pieces of coloured paper that I hardly see in my wallet these days. Well, with unemployment comes unmoneyment. And the last I heard, money is still the solution to man's problems.

Back to our environment.

Watching how our world really is coming to an end unnaturally, hastened by our actions - made me wonder more about money and what it gives us.

...

Money doesn't give us a wider range of choices anymore. It now gives us, rights.

...

With money, we now have the right to own our first car, and not be victims of the public transportation system any longer. And with more money, we have more rights to buy more cars.

And when you have many cars and still, more incoming money, we then have the upgraded right of buying better quality oil-guzzling cars. The kind that drink up 3 times more dinosaur juice than actually needed.

...

Money gives us the right to use more water than we really need to, because, we can afford to pay for it.

...

Money gives us the right to turn on the air-condition at its maximum capacity because, well, we have what it takes to afford it.

...

Money gives us the right to convenience. Who needs to carry a water tumbler with them when plastic bottles of mineral water are sold at every corner?

...

Money gives us the right to be bosses. If not bosses of a company, at the very least, bosses of one - the Indonesian maid. We work them with not even a single day off in 2 years, whilst we complain about our dwindling amount of annual leave.

Because we paid them to work.

...

Money gave Dubai the power to do this!

And this!


Man-made islands in the shape of the world, and a palm tree. But, all at the cost of our environment.

...

And the need for money gives us the right to dig, abuse, misuse, exploit - our natural resources that really, doesn't belong to us anyway.

...

I wonder about the rightness of our rights. And where our quest for Vitamin M will bring us one day.

...

Well. The thought bubbles originate from the person who will die with only a laptop to her name at this point in time.

Perhaps it will give me more right to think about money matters when I actually have them.

Time to water the money tree?

Friday, April 2, 2010

Question 1.

I remember being in a car on Greenhill Road, and having a stir in the tummy. The kinda stir of anxiety that happens before you're about to enter into the exam hall.

And it's the fear of - "Have I covered all I needed to cover? What if I missed out on some things? What if I understood some parts wrongly?".

The final 2 years was much of a growth spurt. Throw in some responsibilities in OCF, Edge, and a mission trip at that - it was a much-to-learn, much-to-apply kinda life.

In the last few months pre-August 09, there was a sudden panic. That I have to 'memorize' things and fill the brain and heart with as much as possible.. in time for the exam.

And whilst driving along Greenhill, I had a sudden anxiety that come August 09, the dreaded exams will begin.

And indeed, it has.

...

Circle the correct answer.

Question 1.
The value of a person does not lies not in what they do, but in who they are.
  • True
  • False
...

The head tells me I should know the answer, but reality puts the head in confusion.

Unemployment has that kinda effect on you. The yourenotgoodenough effect.

...

Ineedajob.

...

*Grits teeth*

I will pass the exam.

*Gulps*

I hope.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Flashes of Unity

In this land of 'everything-can', the only time you feel unity oozing out of your skin is when you see flashes of light.

No, not the ones that beckon you to the world of hereafter. The ones that come from the opposite side of the road.

As I drive along our very expensive highways (particularly the East-West Highway), the most exciting part of the drive is when I see cars after cars flashing their lights at me from the opposite direction.

And then I see that annoying Toyota behind me decelerate and stop tail-gating my energy-less national car, and all of a sudden, we are all driving like the typical Australian.

And I excitedly grip my steering wheels, in anticipation of what I'll see ahead of me. Road-blocks, and policemen waving their red flags.

"Take that!!" I mutter with a sense of victory. And every other driver around me seem to be muttering the same thing. Some even punching the air at their win of the day.

I wonder who started this practice. Where it all came from, and how did we all know this little trick in fighting the evil ones in our poorly governed country.

And that is when I feel united with my fellow Malaysians, regardless of colour. And this little practice only to be found in Malaysia, makes me feel proud to be Malaysian. For only that one very occasional moment.

To the next flash of unity.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Wants.

I want to dream again.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Dear Malaysia

Thought I'd write to let you know how I'm feeling about you.

I am disappointed. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am angry.

That we have to resort to ways like these. That we have leaders that fan the flames of racism, rather than be good examples. That my friends and I are still called 'pendatang' (foreigners), after so many years.

I did not choose where to be born. I was born here. Right here. Why am I considered an outsider in a land I was born in? Where else am I supposed to go? To Australia? Where I don't even look remotely similar to the locals? Where I have to redefine my accent to be understood?

I'm frustrated. At times, I hate you. With a passion. At times, I wish I could pack up and leave you. Why bother, really.

I am not even remotely proud to be associated with you. I used to be. A long time ago.

But Malaysia, you have no choice, really. I made up my mind, and I'm not changing it. I will not wait for you to acknowledge me. Or to appreciate me, before I start giving to you. Because, perhaps, you never will.

And the newly coined phrase. 1Malaysia. That, defines disgust. It is an utter disgust!

I can't seem to find that love I had for you. My heart cringes at the mention of your name.

But unfortunately, I come from a generation that believes change is possible. A generation that demands to see change. So, too bad for you, really. I believe that things will, sooner or later, change. And I want to stay a little longer.. till I see it happen.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. The cow-head protests, unfair policies, brainless remarks, church firebombings didn't kill me. So now, I can only be stronger.

I AM stronger. I AM more determined. More than ever before.

I can't bring myself to say, "I love you, Malaysia". Not just yet.

But I hope, one day, this fight would be worth it.

I hope, one day, that I will be able to say, it was worth the effort. Worth the wait. Worth the tears.

Sincerely,
Another one of your pendatangs.