Beyond Colours.

Beneath the skin runs something that is indistinguishable by colour. We've all got blood running in us, and we're all people.

Of Scare-y Details.

I've had the priviledge of having my own office in uni, because of a passing conversation with the course coordinator talking about how far I live from uni (well, it's about 40 bus stops away - an hour and a half by bus that is non-express). And they decided to give me an office complete with a computer, unlimited internet access, and a printer so I can do my work whilst I am in uni! :)

Today I went earlier to return the keys to the office.. because.. I'm finishing uni in 5 days!!! :D

Cleared my Oscar mug, packet of coffee, ginger biscuits, KohKae peanuts, scrap paper.. and contemplated stuffing a whole stack of unused A4 paper in my bag. But then I thought, 'Nahhhh.. I shouldn't be such a cheapskate..'.

So off I went to see Ottaline and passed her my keys and said a very cheery "Goodbye!".

She asked if I finished, and she was surprised that I have. I smiled widely and said "Yes! I'm done next Monday!". And walked (skipped) out of Sturt campus.

10 minutes later, Ottaline called me on my mobile. Urgent matters.

"Hi Esther, I realized that.. you actually haven't.. finished. There's something wrong with your enrolment. Come see me as soon as you can."

...

Jaw dropped.

Heart stopped.

Eyes flopped.

...

Apparently, I'm 3 credits short of graduating.

Aaaahhh. I knew it would happen! After I was so cautious about picking my subjects at the beginning of my term - not wanting to do anything I wasn't interested in.

3 credits short! Means I might have to stay for another semester to make up for the 3 credits!

Raced off to see Ottaline once I was done with lectures, and she sat me down calmly.

I was going to pounce on her in anticipation of a solution to get me out of the situation.

She proceeded to ask if I've got any work experience in the area.

Skipped through the many thoughts in the brain and finally remembered I did work with two boys who had autism for a year and a half.

"Done!" Ottaline said. "We'll give you credits for that. Because your student visa will expire, wouldn't it? It doesn't have to go through any other authorities, just drop us an email about what you've done, and we'll approve it as 3 credit hours."

...

Aaahhh. What a scare! To think that I will have to slog through another semester of hardwork when I'm THIS close to the finish line!

As I was driving home.. it linked!

I remember praying for a job in the area of disabilities, so I can gain much needed work experience in the area whilst studying the theories. And I remember God providing two very lovely families which I worked with for a year and a half.

And the very opportunity to work in BIRCH for 2 months would add weight to my very much needed 3 credit hours.

None of which I had to pay for.

Without which, I'd have to stay back for another term.

And I'm humbled at how He can weave such details together. Details of what I like doing, what I want to do, what I needed to have, and what would happen 2 years down the road..

It's scare-y how details is such a God-thing.

Especially when I've been such a frantic about finishing uni and not knowing what kinda job I'll land myself into. That He'd have to catch my attention in this way.

What a not-so-gentle reminder that if He provided that very specific job I needed to get past this 3-unit ordeal, He'll be able to do so for the next step of my journey.

Thanks, You. I'm awed. Again.

Walk Me Through..

As the day draws nearer, I get more and more sensitive about things.

Sometimes even the thought of it pricks deep. And I have to consciously put it away in the "Think about it later, live in the moment" box.

It's been playing on my mind a lot, because it is a big thing.

And there is a stark difference between having people cheer you on..

.. and having people walk you through this journey.

I hate the thought of how life paths that once converged, will now separate.

I yearn for certainty. I yearn for continuity.

...

Perhaps passion is a lonely thing.

...

I know I've got the Hebrews 12 cloud cheering me on. People who've been there and finished the race..

.. and I'm so blessed to have people around me cheering me on.

...

But yet I know I have to face this on my own..

.. and perhaps this is a much needed phase of life.

Walk with me..Walk me through. You're the only One who will.

*Insert Cool Title*

For the sake of not having boring titles like.. Change. Or Hope, you insert a title of your own ;)

We were chatting about change last night. About how very dear people are leaving (or are thinking of leaving). Some of which I haven't heard about. Karen's going to Port Lincoln, Jez to Perth, Yih Ling with thoughts of Brisbane as the next stop.. and Sam, I hear he's got thoughts to change states too.

And for the bleak moment in life, we looked sullenly at each other. That reality of how things never stay the same pinched us a little.

...

Today I celebrate change. I anticipate change. And if change doesn't happen, it'd be disastrous.

As much as I resist change - knowing that people don't stay the same, friendships don't remain.. even favourite places cannot withstand the forces of change.. I'm excited when I think about what change means and what it has brought us thus far.

Yeah, change means that today, we can't walk out alone on our own without fearing rapists and snatch thiefs.

Change means that we're studying in Bahasa Melayu today, rather than the highly sung about English language in schools.

Change means that we have to spend RM 4.00 on a bowl of noodles now, instead of RM 0.10 in our grandparents' time.

Change means you actually need at the very least, a Bachelors degree before you can land yourself a job.

Change brings people to say.. "Gone, were the good ol' days".

...

But change also means that we have abolished slavery.

Change also means that we've got better technology to tackle diseases.

Change also means that more and more people are able to cross borders to learn from one another.

Chamge also means that I don't have to marry a man I have never met before! WOOHOO! :)

And more importantly, change and the eventuality of change means we do not have to accept the injustice and oppression that is happening all around us.

...

Change being the only constant thing in this world means that there is a current already running through the existing things of life.. and our role within change? Is to steer it in the right direction.

Change means we are allowed to imagine equality - without fearing we'd be labeled idealistic.

Change means we are allowed to imagine justice dancing in our streets.

Change means we are allowed to imagine a better future.

Change means we are allowed to hope..

.. and hopefully, change will bring us to say.. "Gone, are the days when injustice and oppression ruled".

Because situations tomorrow will be different from today's. Because if change could take a turn for the worse, it can definitely take a change for the better.

Change has, is, and will take place. It's now a matter of us steering it in the right direction.

I want to ride on that wing of change, and hope to see it turn things around for the better.

Till tomorrow, when change happens.

May 7, 2009

The fingers itch to type again.

Dad will freak out if he does check out this blog. Mum's friend's daughter was interrogated by the police for seditious writings on her blog. But well, we're not going there today. (But hey, since when have we become so afraid of saying what we really think, hey?)

Yesterday was.. I don't even have the right adjective to describe it. I sat in front of my laptop the whole day, no, not doing my assignment as I am supposed to.. but waiting for minute-updates of what is happening in Perak. Even signed up for Twitter just to receive the MalaysianInsider updates. It was so hard to contain all the emotions within me.. with no one to turn to or scream at. The dear friend in Ipoh can only giggle at what I was frustrated at. Ish you ;)

Having been recently making the conscious effort to catch up on politics in Malaysia, I've been spending hours (literally) in the mornings reading up on what's happening in Malaysia. Maklumlah.. dah nak balik kampung, kan?

If you do catch up on Malaysian news, you know that after reading it, you will feel worse off than before. Guaranteed.

To watch in action leaders fighting physically over what was meant to be (or what could turn out to be) a peaceful discussion really made me think. And made something in me tick.

The hours of morning news that I read is then countered by reading what happens in biblical times.. and learning about their political system.

Hey, it's valid, okay? Joseph was the Prime Minister, Samson and Samuel were judges, Saul, David, and Solomon were kings, and Esther was well.. the Queen :) Even the prophets were involved in politics - by being the kings' conscience.

And it has been an eye opener thus far.

It has been encouraging, knowing that a major part of the Old Testament was about politics, in today's terms. And to know that God when He said He's the King of kings and the Lord of lords - meant what He said.

But to see how in being a leader, their ups were all related to one common thing: God's position in their lives..

And their downs were also related to similar things: the craving for power, the influence of bad-unedifying relationships, and greed for more.

And I cringed at the thought that I too am faced by the same things the kings faced that brought them down.

I wonder what I will be able to do when I get back. And where to start this looonnnnggggg journey.

Ps. Jon on Sunday said this..

It's not our place to add the super and the extra to the natural and the ordinary.

I cannot agree more. We're called to be who we are. The natural, and the ordinary.

And when we pair up with the Super and the Extra from up above, that's when things start to happen :)

May 7, 2009. How it all turned Black. I'll remember that day. And I'll pass it on.

The Whys of Returning.

Read this again.. And I was reminded about my oblivion of all that is happening in the country I have called home all these years..

Malaysia is home. It is ideal. Because I have yet to see her ugly side. I have yet to experience the depths of disgust at corruption issues, racism, unfair elections, and the like.

That post was written on November 12, 2007. It's the 30th of April today. A year and a half after what I wrote then.

And today, I experience and have been experiencing deeply that depth of disgust at corruption issues, racism, unfair elections.. and the like. And this is what I read about in non-for-government newspapers and sociopolitic blogs. I'm not even there yet.

...

I have been asking the million dollar question, undoubtedly..

Where do YOU want me to go, God?

And the silence was deafening.

It's so much easier if HE tells me where HE wants me to go, so then I don't have to decide on my own, and if at all anything goes wrong.. He's to be responsible.

Okay.. I have to be responsible for my own choices, but you get my drift?

But no. No audible voice. No writings in the sky. No slight nudge even.

The only thing I learn and have been learning about is His heart and His purpose for creation.

Redemption.

It's such a Christian-y word that when people read it, they cringe at what's gona come next. Surely it's another preachy post again.

Perhaps it is.

But I have learnt that redemption has more to offer than that. My God isn't interested only in people becoming Christians just for the sake of it.

He's interested in seeing the hungry fed, the naked clothed, the homeless provided with shelter, the chains of injustice broken, and the oppressed set free (Isaiah 58).

THAT is Redemption. It's not just about becoming Christians and becoming"holy".

Trusting that God made this world, and aches for it to return to the way it is meant to be puts things into perspective.

Yes, this world is bad. Which country isn't bad?

But there is an ultimate hope - that He is doing something about the state of bad-ness this world is in.

And I want to be a part of that.

Malaysia has a looooong way to go in seeing the hungry fed, the naked clothed, the homeless provided with shelter, the chains of injustice broken, and the oppressed set free.

I have learnt that it is really not about being self-centered and finding out what He wants for Me. Surely, there is a place for that.

But it really is about finding out what He wants done, and what His purpose is for His people. And from there, I find mine.

And thus, I have decided to come home.

And the definition of home is another matter altogether. After all, I am but a pilgrim on this earth, no?

...

Having said all of that, I AM worried. I AM scared stiff. I FEAR regret. I cry at the thought of going home. I wonder what life would be like if I were to continue on in Australia.

But I AM excited. I KNOW He hasn't given up on my country. And there are plenty of people running for change. I am but one of many.

Hopefully when I'm 89, I'd live to say that this decision is worth it.

Till the 22nd of August..

P.S. It's the 30th of April today, and it's a huge Happy Birthday to Basil Jez! You've been a totally awesome friend, and I'm glad my journey here in Adelaide has intertwined with your journey. Looking forward to more years ahead, back home probably? ;)

And to my anointed friend back home, happy birthday to you too! :)

I Don't Know.

I remember being in the car, driving home from Mama's house one night.. and I cleverly asked my two kid siblings (at that time)..

Me: You know how to spell 'intelligence' or not? Huh?

Kid siblings: Er.. er.. *gibberish attempts to spell the very-hard-word*

Me: Haha. Like that also dunno.. I-N-T-E-L-L-I-G-E-N-C-E lah.

Woot. And that was attempt no. 1094833284861 to show off that I was smarter than them.

--

And then came the teenage years where.. well, teenagers.. just know.. everything..

You just don't understand how I feel! *wails in tears and stomps off to my room*

Heh. As if they really didn't.

Now, those were the days when parents were the uncoolest things on earth. Because they either:

1. Didn't wear the right clothes.
2. Didn't drive the right coloured cars - my dad drove a bright red Volvo, and my mum, a pale blue Proton.. Don't know where to hide face..
3. Didn't say the right things - like.. "Eh boy, what is your number? I ask my daughter she dowan to give me.."
4. They still wanted to hold your hand in supermarkets!!
   
5. Well.. 'nuff said ;)

--

And now.

In university you spend 3 years on a particular topic. Some that make you laugh whenyou first hear about it. Like for example.. Geology.

...

Kid: Mummy, when I grow up.. I wana become a geologist.

Mum: Oh, alright. What does a geologist do, son?

Kid: They study rocks! :)

Mum: *death stare* NNOOOO-OO-Ooo-oo *(echoes follow suit)*

...

Heh. And by the way, did you know some universities offer courses on Facebook? Woot. How many of us will ace that, I wonder.

The past couple of years have been a journey of learning how to say "I don't know". And sometimes, that just does not click with the ego factor.

Sometimes I find myself frantically trying to find an answer, the right words..

..especially in matters concerning my faith.

And I have learnt that, the moment I say "I know" to everything, is the moment I really don't know..

And the more I know, the more I realize how much I don't know.

Sometimes, "I don't know" will suffice.

And "I don't know" at other times.. can be a turn on ;)