Question 1.

I remember being in a car on Greenhill Road, and having a stir in the tummy. The kinda stir of anxiety that happens before you're about to enter into the exam hall.

And it's the fear of - "Have I covered all I needed to cover? What if I missed out on some things? What if I understood some parts wrongly?".

The final 2 years was much of a growth spurt. Throw in some responsibilities in OCF, Edge, and a mission trip at that - it was a much-to-learn, much-to-apply kinda life.

In the last few months pre-August 09, there was a sudden panic. That I have to 'memorize' things and fill the brain and heart with as much as possible.. in time for the exam.

And whilst driving along Greenhill, I had a sudden anxiety that come August 09, the dreaded exams will begin.

And indeed, it has.

...

Circle the correct answer.

Question 1.
The value of a person does not lies not in what they do, but in who they are.

• True
• False
  

...

The head tells me I should know the answer, but reality puts the head in confusion.

Unemployment has that kinda effect on you. The yourenotgoodenough effect.

...

Ineedajob.

...

*Grits teeth*

I will pass the exam.

*Gulps*

I hope.

Flashes of Unity

In this land of 'everything-can', the only time you feel unity oozing out of your skin is when you see flashes of light.

No, not the ones that beckon you to the world of hereafter. The ones that come from the opposite side of the road.

As I drive along our very expensive highways (particularly the East-West Highway), the most exciting part of the drive is when I see cars after cars flashing their lights at me from the opposite direction.

And then I see that annoying Toyota behind me decelerate and stop tail-gating my energy-less national car, and all of a sudden, we are all driving like the typical Australian.

And I excitedly grip my steering wheels, in anticipation of what I'll see ahead of me. Road-blocks, and policemen waving their red flags.

"Take that!!" I mutter with a sense of victory. And every other driver around me seem to be muttering the same thing. Some even punching the air at their win of the day.

I wonder who started this practice. Where it all came from, and how did we all know this little trick in fighting the evil ones in our poorly governed country.

And that is when I feel united with my fellow Malaysians, regardless of colour. And this little practice only to be found in Malaysia, makes me feel proud to be Malaysian. For only that one very occasional moment.

To the next flash of unity.

Wants.

I want to dream again.

Dear Malaysia

Thought I'd write to let you know how I'm feeling about you.

I am disappointed. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am angry.

That we have to resort to ways like these. That we have leaders that fan the flames of racism, rather than be good examples. That my friends and I are still called 'pendatang' (foreigners), after so many years.

I did not choose where to be born. I was born here. Right here. Why am I considered an outsider in a land I was born in? Where else am I supposed to go? To Australia? Where I don't even look remotely similar to the locals? Where I have to redefine my accent to be understood?

I'm frustrated. At times, I hate you. With a passion. At times, I wish I could pack up and leave you. Why bother, really.

I am not even remotely proud to be associated with you. I used to be. A long time ago.

But Malaysia, you have no choice, really. I made up my mind, and I'm not changing it. I will not wait for you to acknowledge me. Or to appreciate me, before I start giving to you. Because, perhaps, you never will.

And the newly coined phrase. 1Malaysia. That, defines disgust. It is an utter disgust!

I can't seem to find that love I had for you. My heart cringes at the mention of your name.

But unfortunately, I come from a generation that believes change is possible. A generation that demands to see change. So, too bad for you, really. I believe that things will, sooner or later, change. And I want to stay a little longer.. till I see it happen.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. The cow-head protests, unfair policies, brainless remarks, church firebombings didn't kill me. So now, I can only be stronger.

I AM stronger. I AM more determined. More than ever before.

I can't bring myself to say, "I love you, Malaysia". Not just yet.

But I hope, one day, this fight would be worth it.

I hope, one day, that I will be able to say, it was worth the effort. Worth the wait. Worth the tears.

Sincerely,
Another one of your pendatangs.

Change is Possible!

.. says the ticket machine at Gardens, Midvalley :)

Dream Cheras.

For a long time, I've envied the people living on the greener pastures of Petaling Jaya. Even when you say that two letters "P" and "J", you say it with more air and grace then when you say.. "Cheras". And every time I say I'm from Cheras, you would know what kinda responses I get.

"Hah? Cheras ah? Very jam wan wor that place."
"Cheras ah? A lot of lala-s wan right?"
"Cheras? WAH. SO FAR!"

Okay. That'll be enough for now. I'd probably hurt many-a-feelings if I go on with the list. But yeah, even (apparently), girls from PJ are of a better breed than we from Cheras. And, we get very defensive over the place we were brought up in.

Dreams.

I think we're a generation that has lost the ability to dream.

We are scarred by hurts not of our own. Our parents tell us it is pointless to dream. Their cynicism has rubbed off in our minds. That we dare NOT dream.

Just like how we have absolutely NO reason to be racist. We were NOT there on May the 13th, 1969. We were not the ones hurt by the actions of people then. But we have allowed the hurts of the past be a secondary hurt in our lives today.

Ask the person next to you - "What is your dream?" - and look at that sheepish smile you get. Or that blank face with "Huh? What dream?" - written all over it. We live as if it's out of this world to dream.

But if we truly believe that this place - this world that is fading away - belongs to our Father, and we know His heart for His people who are still living on this side of eternity, wouldn't it be legitimate to DREAM?

And dream Cheras.

Last Sunday, I was convicted when I had a conversation with a very good friend.

Things don't happen by chance, we always say. Do we see it as real in every aspect of our lives? Us Cheras-ians, being born and bred in Cheras (let's not even talk about being born in the bigger geographical area of Malaysia just yet), did not happen by chance. And we upper middle class people (come on, don't kid yourself. If you're reading this from YOUR own computer/laptop with Streamyx, you're so much more well to do than a lot of people), are comfortable where we are.

But we are strategically placed in areas that are brimming over with needs. Economical, social, health, political (yes - political!) needs. And this is OUR chance to dream. And to do something about it.

"Break our hearts for what breaks Yours" - will always remain an emotional statement if we do not couple it with action.

Think globally, act locally.

What are we doing for Cheras today?

And for the non-Cheras-ians who cannot relate to this post.. How about a Dream ______ (insert place of stay) for you?

And..

I miss Adelaide.

Heaps.

:'(